[00:00:00] Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) - Jukebox Junctions [00:00:05] You could hear the hoof beats pound [00:00:06] As they raced across the ground [00:00:09] And the clatter of the wheels as they [00:00:10] Spun round and round [00:00:12] And he galloped into market street [00:00:14] His badge upon his chest [00:00:15] His name was Ernie [00:00:17] And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west [00:00:21] Now Ernie loved a widow a lady known as Sue [00:00:24] She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number twenty two [00:00:28] They said she was too good for him [00:00:30] She was haughty proud and chic [00:00:32] But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week [00:00:36] They called him Ernie Ernie [00:00:40] And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west [00:00:43] She said she'd like to bathe in milk he said [00:00:46] All right sweetheart [00:00:47] And when he'd finished work [00:00:49] One night he loaded up his cart [00:00:51] He said do you want it pasturize [00:00:53] 'Cause pasturize is best [00:00:55] She says [00:00:55] Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest [00:00:59] That tickled old Ernie Ernie [00:01:02] And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west [00:01:06] Woo [00:01:08] Now Ernie had a rival an evil-looking man [00:01:12] Called Two-Ton Ted from [00:01:13] Teddington and he drove the baker's van [00:01:16] He tempted her with his treacle tarts and [00:01:18] His tasty wholemeal bread [00:01:20] When she seen the size of his hot meat [00:01:22] Pies it very near turned her head [00:01:24] She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said [00:01:27] If you treat me right [00:01:28] You'll have hot rolls every morning [00:01:30] And crumpets every night [00:01:32] He knew once she sampled his layer [00:01:34] Cake he'd have his wicked way [00:01:36] But all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk each day [00:01:40] Poor Ernie Ernie [00:01:44] And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west [00:01:47] Woo [00:01:49] One lunch time Ted saw [00:01:50] Ernie's horse and cart outside her door [00:01:53] And It drove him mad to find it was [00:01:55] Still there at half past four [00:01:57] And as he lept down from his van [00:01:59] Hot blood through his veins did course [00:02:01] And he went across to [00:02:02] Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his orse [00:02:05] Whose name was Trigger Trigger [00:02:08] And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west [00:02:12] Now Ernie rushed out into the street [00:02:14] His gold top in his hand [00:02:16] He said If you wanna marry [00:02:17] Susie you'll fight for her like a man [00:02:20] Oh why don't we play cards for her [00:02:22] He sneeringly replied [00:02:23] And just to make it interesting [00:02:25] We'll have a shilling on the side [00:02:28] Now Ernie dragged him from [00:02:30] His van and beneath the blazing sun [00:02:32] They stood there face to face [00:02:34] And Ted went for his bun [00:02:36] But Ernie was too quick [00:02:37] Things didn't go the way Ted planned [00:02:40] And a strawberry-flavoured [00:02:41] Yogurt sent it spinning from his hand [00:02:44] Now Susie ran between them [00:02:46] And tried to keep them apart [00:02:48] And Ernie pushed her aside [00:02:50] And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart [00:02:52] And he looked up in pained [00:02:54] Surprise and the concrete hardened crust [00:02:56] Of a stale pork pie [00:02:57] Caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust [00:03:00] Poor Ernie Ernie [00:03:04] And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west [00:03:08] Now Ernie was only fifty chird he didn't wanna die [00:03:12] And now he's gone to make deliveries [00:03:14] In that milk round in the sky [00:03:16] Where the customers are angels [00:03:18] And ferocious dogs are banned [00:03:20] And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy [00:03:23] Dairy land [00:03:25] But a woman's needs are many fold [00:03:27] And soon she married Ted [00:03:29] But strange things happened on their wedding [00:03:31] Night as they lay in their bed [00:03:33] Was that the trees a-rustling [00:03:35] Or the hinges of the gate