[00:00:00] The Ballad Of Billy Kershaw - Jake Thackray [00:00:07] He was small and baggy-trousered [00:00:09] He was nondescript and shy [00:00:10] But in his breast there burned a sacred flame [00:00:13] For women melted and surrendered [00:00:15] When they looked into his eyes [00:00:17] (Little Billy Kershaw was the name by the way [00:00:20] He worked as a country ploughman so they say [00:00:23] Oh Lothario and Casanova mighty Don Juan [00:00:26] Those legendary goats of days of yore [00:00:29] Billy was better with his eyes closed [00:00:31] On one leg and with no hands [00:00:33] (A trick which he could actually perform [00:00:35] By the way [00:00:36] Spectacular but dodgy so they say [00:00:39] He never did it for the profit of it [00:00:41] Never for applause [00:00:43] Only the silvery laughter that it caused [00:00:52] There was a difference in that Billy [00:00:54] Kershaw never picked the best [00:00:56] The beautiful the golden ones [00:00:57] That most men would [00:00:59] But the ugly ones the poorest [00:01:01] The despised the dispossessed [00:01:02] (Where else would a hunchback [00:01:04] Get a cuddle by the way [00:01:06] Harelips can kiss or so they say ) [00:01:08] And so the shop-girl with the whiskers [00:01:11] Or the limping shepherdess [00:01:12] The squinting barmaid (her with the pocky skin) [00:01:15] Even the horse-like countess with [00:01:17] The teeth and meagre breasts [00:01:18] (Which in fact had often harboured [00:01:20] Billy's chin by the way [00:01:22] Haughty but snug so they say) [00:01:24] He never did it for the profit of it [00:01:27] Never for applause [00:01:28] Only the common comfort that it caused [00:01:38] Many a poor distracted Catholic [00:01:40] Rating Billy over Lourdes [00:01:41] Came smiling down his staircase [00:01:43] All her frenzy gone [00:01:44] And the husband far from angry [00:01:47] Would be chuffed that she was cured [00:01:48] (And buy him a pint in the local later on [00:01:50] By the way; [00:01:51] Horses for courses as they say) [00:01:54] He responded to the colonel's [00:01:56] Widow's desperate appeal [00:01:57] In the colonel's house upon the [00:01:59] Colonel's tiger skin [00:02:00] And in the potter's shop the potter's [00:02:02] Wife upon the potter's wheel [00:02:04] (Which was steadily continuing to spin [00:02:06] By the way [00:02:07] A right tour de force so they say) [00:02:10] But never ever for the profit of it [00:02:13] Never the applause [00:02:14] Only the passing happiness it caused [00:02:23] But soon the news of Billy Kershaw and [00:02:25] His life-enhancing powers [00:02:27] Became across the county widely known [00:02:29] And by his cottage gate the coachloads [00:02:32] Waited patiently for hours [00:02:33] (The drivers made a bundle going home [00:02:36] By the way [00:02:36] Their caps were full of silver so they say ) [00:02:39] And the village did a roaring trade in [00:02:42] Teas and souvenirs [00:02:43] In ash trays and the local watercress [00:02:46] Until Billy disillusioned simply ups [00:02:48] And disappears [00:02:49] (Leaving no forwarding address by the way [00:02:52] Could be anywhere at all or so they say ) [00:02:55] But it was not for the profit of it [00:02:58] Not for the applause [00:02:59] Only the consolation that it caused [00:03:08] If there should be a sad neglected [00:03:10] Wretched woman in your life [00:03:12] It could well be that Billy's near at hand [00:03:15] Perhaps your auntie or your daughter [00:03:17] Or your mother or your wife [00:03:18] (And when did you last see your grandma [00:03:21] By the way [00:03:22] No genuine case is ever turned away ) [00:03:25] He's no rascal he's no charlatan [00:03:26] No mountebank no snob; [00:03:28] Whoever you are he'll treat you just the same [00:03:31] He is small and baggy-trousered [00:03:33] And he does a tidy job [00:03:35] (Little Billy Kershaw is the name by the way; [00:03:38] He worked as a country ploughman so they say ) 404

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