[00:00:00] Albuquerque - Weird Al Yankovic
[00:00:01] Written by：Al Yankovic
[00:00:06] Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
[00:00:08] Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of
[00:00:10] The basement of the house
[00:00:11] Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
[00:00:14] You know the place
[00:00:15] Well anyway back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
[00:00:20] Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning
[00:00:23] My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
[00:00:27] Awww big bowl of sauerkraut
[00:00:31] Every single mornin'
[00:00:33] It was driving me crazy
[00:00:34] I said to my mom
[00:00:35] I said
[00:00:35] Hey mom what's up with all the sauerkraut
[00:00:37] And my dear sweet mother
[00:00:39] She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
[00:00:42] And she leaned right down next to me
[00:00:45] And she said It's good for you
[00:00:49] And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
[00:00:52] And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until
[00:00:54] I was twenty six and a half years old
[00:00:56] That's when I swore that someday
[00:00:58] Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far away place
[00:01:02] Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
[00:01:05] And the towels are oh so fluffy
[00:01:07] Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
[00:01:10] And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
[00:01:14] Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
[00:01:15] Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at
[00:01:17] All before my dream came true
[00:01:19] Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest
[00:01:22] To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
[00:01:27] I was off by three but I still won the grand prize
[00:01:30] That's right a first class one-way ticket to
[00:01:33] Albuquerque
[00:01:38] Albuquerque
[00:01:42] Oh yeah
[00:01:44] You know I'd never been on a real airplane before
[00:01:46] And I gotta tell ya it was really great
[00:01:48] Except that I had to sit between two large
[00:01:50] Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
[00:01:53] And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
[00:01:56] The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
[00:01:59] And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
[00:02:02] And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out
[00:02:04] And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
[00:02:06] And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
[00:02:11] Except for me
[00:02:13] You know why
[00:02:14] Cause I had my tray table up
[00:02:16] And my seat back in the full upright position
[00:02:19] Had my tray table up
[00:02:22] And my seat back in the full upright position
[00:02:24] Had my tray table up
[00:02:27] And my seat back in the full upright position
[00:02:30] Ah ha ha ha
[00:02:32] Ah ha ha
[00:02:33] Ahhhh
[00:02:35] So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage
[00:02:37] I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
[00:02:41] Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
[00:02:45] And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
[00:02:48] And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
[00:02:52] But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
[00:02:56] Where the towels are oh so fluffy
[00:02:58] And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
[00:03:01] It's okay they're clean
[00:03:03] Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
[00:03:05] And I turned on the SpectraVision
[00:03:07] And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
[00:03:09] That I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door
[00:03:14] Well now who could that be
[00:03:15] I say
[00:03:16] Who is it
[00:03:17] No answer
[00:03:18] Who is it
[00:03:19] There's no answer
[00:03:21] Who is it
[00:03:22] They're not sayin' anything
[00:03:24] So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
[00:03:28] It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
[00:03:33] Oh man I hate it when I'm right
[00:03:36] So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
[00:03:39] And I'm like
[00:03:40] Hey you can't have that
[00:03:41] That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
[00:03:44] And he's like tough
[00:03:45] And I'm like give it
[00:03:46] And he's like make me
[00:03:48] And I'm like 'kay
[00:03:49] So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
[00:03:52] And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
[00:03:54] And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
[00:03:57] Yes indeed you better believe it
[00:04:00] And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook
[00:04:03] And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice
[00:04:06] And you know what it said
[00:04:08] I'll tell you what it said
[00:04:09] It said
[00:04:10] If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again
[00:04:15] If you need help hang up and then dial your operator
[00:04:20] If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again
[00:04:25] If you need help hang up and then dial your operator
[00:04:30] Albuquerque
[00:04:36] Albuquerque
[00:04:40] Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel
[00:04:44] But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that
[00:04:46] I would not rest
[00:04:47] I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
[00:04:51] But first I decided to buy some donuts
[00:04:53] So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
[00:04:56] And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
[00:04:58] And he says
[00:04:59] Yeah what do ya want
[00:05:04] I said
[00:05:04] You got any glazed donuts
[00:05:06] He said
[00:05:06] No we're outta glazed donuts
[00:05:09] I said
[00:05:09] You got any jelly donuts
[00:05:11] He said
[00:05:12] No we're outta jelly donuts
[00:05:14] I said
[00:05:14] You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts
[00:05:17] He said
[00:05:17] No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
[00:05:20] I said
[00:05:20] You got any cinnamon rolls
[00:05:22] He said
[00:05:22] No we're outta cinnamon rolls
[00:05:24] I said
[00:05:25] You got any apple fritters
[00:05:27] He said
[00:05:27] No we're outta apple fritters
[00:05:29] I said
[00:05:30] You got any bear claws
[00:05:32] He said
[00:05:33] Wait a minute I'll go check
[00:05:44] No we're outta bear claws
[00:05:46] I said
[00:05:47] Well in that case in that case what do you have
[00:05:51] He says
[00:05:52] All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels
[00:05:57] I said
[00:05:57] Okay I'll take that
[00:05:58] So he hands me the box and
[00:06:00] I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
[00:06:02] And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
[00:06:07] Oh man they were just going nuts
[00:06:09] They were tearin' me apart
[00:06:11] You know I think it was just about that time
[00:06:13] That a little ditty started goin' through my head
[00:06:16] I believe it went a little something like this
[00:06:19] Doh
[00:06:20] Get 'em off me
[00:06:21] Get 'em off me
[00:06:22] Oh
[00:06:22] No get 'em off get 'em off
[00:06:24] Oh oh God oh God
[00:06:25] Oh get 'em off me
[00:06:26] Oh oh God
[00:06:27] Ah ah ah
[00:06:30] I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
[00:06:33] Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin'
[00:06:35] Like a constipated wiener dog
[00:06:38] And as luck would have it that's exactly when
[00:06:40] I ran into the girl of my dreams
[00:06:43] Her name was Zelda
[00:06:45] She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
[00:06:48] And hair the color of strained peaches
[00:06:50] I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
[00:06:53] She said
[00:06:53] Hey you've got weasels on your face
[00:06:56] That's when I knew it was true love
[00:06:58] We were inseparable after that
[00:07:00] Aw we ate together we bathed together
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