[00:00:00] Your Horoscope For Today - "Weird Al" Yankovic
[00:00:12] AQUARIUS
[00:00:12] There's travel in your future when your tongue
[00:00:15] Freezes to the back of a speeding bus
[00:00:17] Fill that void in your pathetic life
[00:00:20] By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
[00:00:22] PISCES
[00:00:23] Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
[00:00:25] With the Ebola virus
[00:00:27] You are the true Lord of the Dance
[00:00:30] No matter what those idiots at work say
[00:00:32] ARIES
[00:00:33] The look on your face will be priceless
[00:00:35] When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon
[00:00:38] Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
[00:00:41] Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
[00:00:42] TAURUS
[00:00:43] You will never find true happiness
[00:00:45] What you gonna do cry about it
[00:00:48] The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
[00:00:51] Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
[00:00:53] That's your horoscope for today
[00:00:55] That's your horoscope for today
[00:00:57] Yay yay yay yay yay
[00:00:59] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:04] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:05] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:07] Yay yay yay yay yay
[00:01:09] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:13] GEMINI
[00:01:14] Your birthday party will be ruined once again
[00:01:17] By your explosive flatulence
[00:01:19] Your love life will run into trouble
[00:01:21] When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
[00:01:24] CANCER
[00:01:24] The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
[00:01:27] The rest of the week face down in the mud
[00:01:30] Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
[00:01:32] While taking your driver's test
[00:01:34] LEO
[00:01:34] Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
[00:01:37] And staple it to your boss's face oh no
[00:01:40] Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
[00:01:41] Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
[00:01:45] VIRGO
[00:01:45] All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
[00:01:49] Except for you
[00:01:50] Expect a big surprise today
[00:01:52] When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
[00:01:55] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:57] That's your horoscope for today
[00:01:58] Yay yay yay yay yay
[00:02:00] That's your horoscope for today
[00:02:05] That's your horoscope for today
[00:02:07] That's your horoscope for today
[00:02:09] Yay yay yay yay yay
[00:02:11] That's your horoscope for today
[00:02:15] Now you may find it inconceivable
[00:02:17] Or at the very least a bit unlikely
[00:02:19] That the relative position of the planets
[00:02:21] And the stars could have a special deep significance
[00:02:23] Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
[00:02:25] But let me give you my assurance
[00:02:26] That these forecasts and predictions
[00:02:28] Are all based on solid scientific documented evidence
[00:02:31] So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
[00:02:33] That every single one of them is absolutely true
[00:02:35] Where was I
[00:02:36] LIBRA
[00:02:36] A big promotion is just around the corner
[00:02:39] For someone much more talented that you
[00:02:41] Laughter is the very best medicine
[00:02:43] Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
[00:02:46] SCORPIO
[00:02:47] Get ready for an unexpected trip
[00:02:49] When you fall screaming from an open window
[00:02:51] Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem
[00:02:55] You stupid freak
[00:02:56] SAGITTARIUS
[00:02:57] All your friends are laughing behind your back
[00:03:01] Kill them
[00:03:02] Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
[00:03:05] You've got hanging in your den
[00:03:07] CAPRICORN
[00:03:07] The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
[00:03:11] But you know they're lying
[00:03:12] If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
[00:03:14] And never never never never never leave my house again
[00:03:18] That's your horoscope for today
[00:03:20] That's your horoscope for today
[00:03:21] Yay yay yay yay yay
[00:03:23] That's your horoscope for today
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