Albuquerque - Weird Al Yankovic Written by：Al Yankovic Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of The basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well anyway back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww big bowl of sauerkraut Every single mornin' It was driving me crazy I said to my mom I said Hey mom what's up with all the sauerkraut And my dear sweet mother She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said It's good for you And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at All before my dream came true Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three but I still won the grand prize That's right a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's okay they're clean Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door Well now who could that be I say Who is it No answer Who is it There's no answer Who is it They're not sayin' anything So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man I hate it when I'm right So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like Hey you can't have that That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me And he's like tough And I'm like give it And he's like make me And I'm like 'kay So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said I'll tell you what it said It said If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again If you need help hang up and then dial your operator If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again If you need help hang up and then dial your operator Albuquerque Albuquerque Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says Yeah what do ya want I said You got any glazed donuts He said No we're outta glazed donuts I said You got any jelly donuts He said No we're outta jelly donuts I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts He said No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts I said You got any cinnamon rolls He said No we're outta cinnamon rolls I said You got any apple fritters He said No we're outta apple fritters I said You got any bear claws He said Wait a minute I'll go check No we're outta bear claws I said Well in that case in that case what do you have He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels I said Okay I'll take that So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over Oh man they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No get 'em off get 'em off Oh oh God oh God Oh get 'em off me Oh oh God Ah ah ah I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin' Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite And hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the first thing she said to me She said Hey you've got weasels on your face That's when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw we ate together we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly Oh we were so very very very happy aw yeah But then one fateful night Zelda said to me She said Sweetie pumpkin Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club I said Whoa hold on now baby I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway things really started lookin' up for me Because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face Aw yeah everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude OK like one time I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' Sofa up the stairs all by himself So I I say to him I say Hey you want me to help you with that And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes No I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw So I did And then he gets all indignant on me He's like Hey man I was just being sarcastic Well that's just great How was I supposed to know that I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides now he's got a really cute nickname Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And says he hasn't had a bite in three days Well I knew what he meant But just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like Hey come on don'tcha get it But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming You know just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man some people just can't take a joke you know 404

404，您请求的文件不存在!