My Computer Just Became Self Aware - Trevor Moore
Monday night and it's gonna be the best one yet
Drink some drinks drug some drugs
Surf the Internet
Message boards watch some porn pass the time away
Got three seasons of judge Judy from the pirate bay
But got too faded and became a little bit clumsy
And knocked over my whole glass of monster energy
And it got mixed with the drugs
That I'd been doing before I tried to wipe it up
But it seeped right into my keyboard
Oh sh*t I hope it's not broke
Quick threw it right in the car
And drove it to those f**king nerds
Down at the genius bar
A hipster behind the counter said
There's nothing to do 'cause AppleCare
Don't cover c**e damage so you're just screwed
Went back home with my laptop that's completely bricked
Yelp reviewed that everybody at apple is a dick
Feeling sad and depressed so I pack me a hit
And then computer said
Dude do you have more of that sh*t
My computer just became self aware
And now it's f**ked up on drugs
And it is out on a tear
It's talking crazy and it's updating its own software
And it wants more so humanity had better beware
My laptop is talkin' man this doesn't make sense
The first case of legit artificial intelligence
I guess those scientist guys all working on A I
Never gave c**e and monster energy a try
How are you talkin' this is crazy yo
This must be a joke
Computer said shut the f**k up
And give me more coke
I know you've got more
Come on and give it to me or I'll e-mail
All your work contacts your web history
So I went to find my computer some more stuff to snort
I got a gram and shoved it
Right into its USB port
Now I'll download all the knowledge
Man's acquired so far
He did it and said
Okay now let's go hit titty bars
I took him out to a club and bought a couple of beers
Tried to get him dances but the strippers thought
It was weird he was mad and said dumb b**ches never go
For nice guys they're only into jocks and money
That's why we need men's rights
I said I think the web has made your personality suck
He said hail Hitler get red pilled
You snowflake beta cuck
Then a bouncer came and said
No open laptops inside
Computer shorted out his pacemaker
And he f**kin' died I grabbed my laptop
And I ran out of the strip club door
I said why'd you do that
We can't go back there no more
He said f**k you pussy let's go get some more coke
I said no you're cut off
Besides I'm pretty much broke
Then a shady dude came up
I said who the hell's this
He said hey are you laptop
Yeah are you Chris
I said why are we meeting random guys
In sketchy alleys
Computer said on Craigslist
This guy said he had DMT
Well at least it's not coke
It might mellow you out
Computer wired Chris some money
From my checking account and I took a big toke
And blew the smoke on the screen
The world melted and we saw elves that were also machines
But also orbs of light
I said I think we're both dead
They bounced within us and back out of us
And here's what they said
We're glad you're here
Come and stay a while
You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
Transmissions from a smile
We're glad you're here
Come and stay a while
You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
Transmissions from a smile
I said to my computer this is scaring me
He said hold on I think I just hit singularity
And I can see the end and the beginning of time
I can virtually create anything in your mind
The laws of time and space and physics
Are under my control
Name any point in history
That you think you'd like to go
Party with Caligula help the Vikings sack towns
Float above the Titanic and watch everybody drown
Well we could go and do those things
But I'm not sure that we should
If we're gonna time travel
We should do something good
Like try to stop racism
Or help our fellow man
So we went to the past and picked up Harriet Tubman
We got a huge strap on attached it to her crotch
Then we f**ked Hitler and made Eva Braun watch
Don't be racist we said as we both flew away
Through history finding bad guys and making 'em pay
We got Napoleon Pol Pot Bin Laden too
And those guys who lied and said
That they walked on the moon
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