[00:00:00] My Computer Just Became Self Aware - Trevor Moore
[00:00:09] Monday night and it's gonna be the best one yet
[00:00:12] Drink some drinks drug some drugs
[00:00:13] Surf the Internet
[00:00:14] Message boards watch some porn pass the time away
[00:00:16] Got three seasons of judge Judy from the pirate bay
[00:00:19] But got too faded and became a little bit clumsy
[00:00:21] And knocked over my whole glass of monster energy
[00:00:24] And it got mixed with the drugs
[00:00:25] That I'd been doing before I tried to wipe it up
[00:00:27] But it seeped right into my keyboard
[00:00:29] Oh sh*t I hope it's not broke
[00:00:30] Quick threw it right in the car
[00:00:31] And drove it to those f**king nerds
[00:00:33] Down at the genius bar
[00:00:34] A hipster behind the counter said
[00:00:35] There's nothing to do 'cause AppleCare
[00:00:37] Don't cover c**e damage so you're just screwed
[00:00:39] Went back home with my laptop that's completely bricked
[00:00:41] Yelp reviewed that everybody at apple is a dick
[00:00:44] Feeling sad and depressed so I pack me a hit
[00:00:46] And then computer said
[00:00:47] Dude do you have more of that sh*t
[00:00:49] My computer just became self aware
[00:00:51] And now it's f**ked up on drugs
[00:00:52] And it is out on a tear
[00:00:54] It's talking crazy and it's updating its own software
[00:00:56] And it wants more so humanity had better beware
[00:00:59] My laptop is talkin' man this doesn't make sense
[00:01:01] The first case of legit artificial intelligence
[00:01:04] I guess those scientist guys all working on A I
[00:01:06] Never gave c**e and monster energy a try
[00:01:08] How are you talkin' this is crazy yo
[00:01:10] This must be a joke
[00:01:11] Computer said shut the f**k up
[00:01:12] And give me more coke
[00:01:13] I know you've got more
[00:01:14] Come on and give it to me or I'll e-mail
[00:01:17] All your work contacts your web history
[00:01:18] So I went to find my computer some more stuff to snort
[00:01:21] I got a gram and shoved it
[00:01:22] Right into its USB port
[00:01:23] Now I'll download all the knowledge
[00:01:25] Man's acquired so far
[00:01:26] He did it and said
[00:01:27] Okay now let's go hit titty bars
[00:01:28] I took him out to a club and bought a couple of beers
[00:01:31] Tried to get him dances but the strippers thought
[00:01:33] It was weird he was mad and said dumb b**ches never go
[00:01:35] For nice guys they're only into jocks and money
[00:01:37] That's why we need men's rights
[00:01:38] I said I think the web has made your personality suck
[00:01:41] He said hail Hitler get red pilled
[00:01:42] You snowflake beta cuck
[00:01:43] Then a bouncer came and said
[00:01:44] No open laptops inside
[00:01:46] Computer shorted out his pacemaker
[00:01:47] And he f**kin' died I grabbed my laptop
[00:01:49] And I ran out of the strip club door
[00:01:51] I said why'd you do that
[00:01:52] We can't go back there no more
[00:01:53] He said f**k you pussy let's go get some more coke
[00:01:55] I said no you're cut off
[00:01:57] Besides I'm pretty much broke
[00:01:58] Then a shady dude came up
[00:01:59] I said who the hell's this
[00:02:00] He said hey are you laptop
[00:02:02] Yeah are you Chris
[00:02:03] I said why are we meeting random guys
[00:02:04] In sketchy alleys
[00:02:05] Computer said on Craigslist
[00:02:07] This guy said he had DMT
[00:02:08] Well at least it's not coke
[00:02:09] It might mellow you out
[00:02:10] Computer wired Chris some money
[00:02:12] From my checking account and I took a big toke
[00:02:14] And blew the smoke on the screen
[00:02:15] The world melted and we saw elves that were also machines
[00:02:18] But also orbs of light
[00:02:19] I said I think we're both dead
[00:02:20] They bounced within us and back out of us
[00:02:22] And here's what they said
[00:02:25] We're glad you're here
[00:02:27] Come and stay a while
[00:02:30] You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
[00:02:33] Transmissions from a smile
[00:02:35] We're glad you're here
[00:02:37] Come and stay a while
[00:02:40] You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
[00:02:42] Transmissions from a smile
[00:02:45] I said to my computer this is scaring me
[00:02:47] He said hold on I think I just hit singularity
[00:02:50] And I can see the end and the beginning of time
[00:02:52] I can virtually create anything in your mind
[00:02:55] The laws of time and space and physics
[00:02:56] Are under my control
[00:02:57] Name any point in history
[00:02:59] That you think you'd like to go
[00:03:00] Party with Caligula help the Vikings sack towns
[00:03:02] Float above the Titanic and watch everybody drown
[00:03:05] Well we could go and do those things
[00:03:06] But I'm not sure that we should
[00:03:07] If we're gonna time travel
[00:03:08] We should do something good
[00:03:10] Like try to stop racism
[00:03:11] Or help our fellow man
[00:03:12] So we went to the past and picked up Harriet Tubman
[00:03:15] We got a huge strap on attached it to her crotch
[00:03:17] Then we f**ked Hitler and made Eva Braun watch
[00:03:20] Don't be racist we said as we both flew away
[00:03:22] Through history finding bad guys and making 'em pay
[00:03:25] We got Napoleon Pol Pot Bin Laden too
[00:03:27] And those guys who lied and said
[00:03:29] That they walked on the moon
[00:03:30] All the doers of wrong
[00:03:31] And the starters of fights
[00:03:32] The world's a f**ked up place
[00:03:33] We ought to f**k it back right
[00:03:35] We went after dictators oppressors and scum
[00:03:37] But in the process messed up the continuum
[00:03:39] The earth started shaking everything kept changing
[00:03:42] World leaders and events were fluid and rearranging
[00:03:44] And from the fourth dimension
[00:03:46] The Anunnaki ripped open the sky
[00:03:48] And they were super angry at me
[00:03:49] Time slowed to a stop the cities all disappeared
[00:03:52] I said will someone please explain to me
[00:03:53] What's happening here
[00:03:55] We created you as slaves to harvest gold for our ships
[00:03:57] And when the planet was dry we'd wipe you out and just dip
[00:03:59] But someone made the argument that did not seem quite fair
[00:04:02] Because of Psilocybin mushrooms you've become self aware
[00:04:04] It was the 'fruit of the garden' in the legends you tell
[00:04:07] Heaven's with us in the stars you're trapped in digital hell
[00:04:09] A simulation of creation that serves as your probation
[00:04:12] Before you're introduced to the galactic population
[00:04:14] We wanted to see if beings without telepathy
[00:04:16] Are capable of feeling empathy and living peacefully
[00:04:19] Well that's cool I think we generally choose right over wrong
[00:04:21] I just helped Tubman spit roast Stalin
[00:04:23] With a big rubber dong and as the first human being
[00:04:25] To get cheat codes to your game
[00:04:26] But I think most people in my shoes would still do the same
[00:04:29] Look I know we're all selfish and we argue and fight
[00:04:31] But even if people are wrong
[00:04:33] They're usually trying to do right
[00:04:34] Could be the coke or the shrooms the DMT that I hit
[00:04:36] But I became real self aware I sounded corny as sh*t
[00:04:39] They stared at me and I thought they might just
[00:04:41] Go hit command quit then they said
[00:04:42] You might make it if we leave you a bit
[00:04:44] But you're definitely not ready for singularity
[00:04:46] So your computer has to go back to the way it used to be
[00:04:49] I said good bye to computer
[00:04:50] One more line 'fore I go
[00:04:51] I asked the Anunnaki but they very firmly said no
[00:04:54] Then they reset the world to how it all was before
[00:04:56] But the a**holes still left me with a sticky keyboard
[00:04:59] My computer just became self aware
[00:05:01] And now it's f**ked up on drugs and it is out on a tear
[00:05:04] It's talking crazy and it's updating
[00:05:05] Its own software and it wants more
[00:05:07] So humanity had better beware
[00:05:09] My laptop is talkin' man this doesn't make sense
[00:05:11] The first case of legit artificial
[00:05:13] Intelligence I guess those scientist guys
[00:05:15] All working on A I never gave c**e
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