[00:04:54] Underwear Goes Inside The Pants - Lazyboy
[00:04:54] Why is m*******a not legal? Why is m*******a not legal? 
[00:04:54] It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. 
[00:04:54] Do you know what's not natural?
[00:04:54] 80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
[00:04:54] But we got pills for that.
[00:04:54] We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
[00:04:54] But we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
[00:04:54] You know we have more prescription drugs now.
[00:04:54] Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
[00:04:54] I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
[00:04:54] Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"
[00:04:54] Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. 
[00:04:54] Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is…
[00:04:54] People running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
[00:04:54] I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
[00:04:54] That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. 
[00:04:54] The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
[00:04:54] Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
[00:04:54] If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
[00:04:54] What's going to happen to our porno industry?
[00:04:54] These women don't just grown on trees. 
[00:04:54] It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
[00:04:54] And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
[00:04:54] Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
[00:04:54] You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. 
[00:04:54] Terrorists masterminds.
[00:04:54] Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
[00:04:54] They're not masterminds.
[00:04:54] "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?"
[00:04:54] "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just…"
[00:04:54] "Who's the f**king mastermind here? Me or you?"
[00:04:54] Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time. 
[00:04:54] Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? 
[00:04:54] Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
[00:04:54] An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
[00:04:54] The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
[00:04:54] "How'd you get through it grandpa?"
[00:04:54] "Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."
[00:04:54] Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
[00:04:54] I'll sit at a drive thru. 
[00:04:54] I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
[00:04:54] Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. 
[00:04:54] You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother f**ker. There's room in the back. Take it!
[00:04:54] Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents.
[00:04:54] Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
[00:04:54] Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
[00:04:54] Of course not.
[00:04:54] You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your a** before you start to think,
[00:04:54] "You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."
[00:04:54] We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
[00:04:54] But the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
[00:04:54] There are homeless people everywhere.
[00:04:54] This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
[00:04:54] I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
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