《Your Horoscope for Today》歌词

歌曲： Your Horoscope for Today

所属专辑：Running With Scissors

歌手： ”Weird Al” Yankovic

时长： 03:59

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Your Horoscope For Today - "Weird Al" Yankovic[00:00:00]

AQUARIUS[00:00:12]

There's travel in your future when your tongue[00:00:12]

Freezes to the back of a speeding bus[00:00:15]

Fill that void in your pathetic life[00:00:17]

By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day[00:00:20]

PISCES[00:00:22]

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos[00:00:23]

With the Ebola virus[00:00:25]

You are the true Lord of the Dance[00:00:27]

No matter what those idiots at work say[00:00:30]

ARIES[00:00:32]

The look on your face will be priceless[00:00:33]

When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon[00:00:35]

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf[00:00:38]

Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep[00:00:41]

TAURUS[00:00:42]

You will never find true happiness[00:00:43]

What you gonna do cry about it[00:00:45]

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up[00:00:48]

Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep[00:00:51]

That's your horoscope for today[00:00:53]

That's your horoscope for today[00:00:55]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:00:57]

That's your horoscope for today[00:00:59]

That's your horoscope for today[00:01:04]

That's your horoscope for today[00:01:05]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:01:07]

That's your horoscope for today[00:01:09]

GEMINI[00:01:13]

Your birthday party will be ruined once again[00:01:14]

By your explosive flatulence[00:01:17]

Your love life will run into trouble[00:01:19]

When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest[00:01:21]

CANCER[00:01:24]

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend[00:01:24]

The rest of the week face down in the mud[00:01:27]

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose[00:01:30]

While taking your driver's test[00:01:32]

LEO[00:01:34]

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt[00:01:34]

And staple it to your boss's face oh no[00:01:37]

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding[00:01:40]

Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik[00:01:41]

VIRGO[00:01:45]

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent[00:01:45]

Except for you[00:01:49]

Expect a big surprise today[00:01:50]

When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick[00:01:52]

That's your horoscope for today[00:01:55]

That's your horoscope for today[00:01:57]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:01:58]

That's your horoscope for today[00:02:00]

That's your horoscope for today[00:02:05]

That's your horoscope for today[00:02:07]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:02:09]

That's your horoscope for today[00:02:11]

Now you may find it inconceivable[00:02:15]

Or at the very least a bit unlikely[00:02:17]

That the relative position of the planets[00:02:19]

And the stars could have a special deep significance[00:02:21]

Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you[00:02:23]

But let me give you my assurance[00:02:25]

That these forecasts and predictions[00:02:26]

Are all based on solid scientific documented evidence[00:02:28]

So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize[00:02:31]

That every single one of them is absolutely true[00:02:33]

Where was I[00:02:35]

LIBRA[00:02:36]

A big promotion is just around the corner[00:02:36]

For someone much more talented that you[00:02:39]

Laughter is the very best medicine[00:02:41]

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week[00:02:43]

SCORPIO[00:02:46]

Get ready for an unexpected trip[00:02:47]

When you fall screaming from an open window[00:02:49]

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem[00:02:51]

You stupid freak[00:02:55]

SAGITTARIUS[00:02:56]

All your friends are laughing behind your back[00:02:57]

Kill them[00:03:01]

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine[00:03:02]

You've got hanging in your den[00:03:05]

CAPRICORN[00:03:07]

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person[00:03:07]

But you know they're lying[00:03:11]

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows[00:03:12]

And never never never never never leave my house again[00:03:14]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:18]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:20]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:03:21]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:23]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:28]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:30]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:03:31]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:33]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:38]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:40]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:03:41]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:43]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:49]

Yay yay yay yay yay[00:03:52]

That's your horoscope for today[00:03:54]